Candace and Tommaso

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"I don’t like marshmallows in particular but for some reason, every time I was pregnant, I would have symptoms really early on. Nauseous early on, tired really early on, and I reveled in every symptom. Every time I felt nauseous, I would celebrate. 'YES! I’m pregnant! Nausea is great!' I started craving marshmallow fluff, of all of the weird things to crave."

"Tommaso would buy it and it comes in this six ounce little plastic jar and I would eat it from the jar with a spoon. I had saved the last jar of marshmallow fluff that Tommaso had bought for me during my last pregnancy. I kept it for years in the kitchen cupboard and every time I’d open the kitchen cupboard I’d see it, and I’d smile, because that was just a tangible reminder of the pregnancies. Even after having Max. Looking at this jar was a reminder that I HAD been pregnant and, for some reason, that was a comforting thought if you’re infertile. That there was that possibility."

"This last Thanksgiving, I opened up the door and I saw it and I was doing a sweet potato soufflé. So, I was like, let me just put this marshmallow fluff on top of the sweet potato soufflé. So I did and I gave some to Max and it just felt really symbolic to me, that I was kind of letting go of that hope of being pregnant, because I have my son. We are done, we’re a family of three. You let go of that hope of ever carrying a child yourself and that’s a hard one to let go of. It’s really hard to accept that your body doesn’t work the way you want it to work and I don’t think that people who don’t experience infertility understand the pain of that reality. That your body doesn’t do what you need it to do."

"Every time I look at my son, it’s also a reminder to me that my body wasn’t able to do what it was supposed to do to bring him here. I’m so lucky to have him and I’m so lucky I got to experience all of those moments. Seeing him being born was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced in my life but it just hammers home that your body can’t do that."

"It’s weird now to open up the kitchen drawer and not see the marshmallow fluff because that was letting go and it’s good to let go too. Maybe that’s my new thing. I do the marshmallow fluff every year at Thanksgiving."

-Candace